That Old Car Radio

It was quite early; the sun hadn’t taken its first look at the island yet, and the geese were beginning to organize their flight pattern for the day. I could hear their callings from one side of the pond to the other. My night had been a restless one filled with fear and turmoil. The hours waltzed through the darkness around my tiny room in slow motion. I sat up and parted the blinds of the window. I finally admitted that I belonged with the creatures of this predawn rhapsody and rose from my bed, more tired today than yesterday, and more inquiring of the Lord. I felt it was time for an answer. As I moved slowly through the blackness, fumbling with the silhouettes of pajamas and robe, I asked the Lord, “Why now? You had your chance 20 years ago when I didn’t give a damn about anything; I was the scum of the earth. All I wanted was a drink and a man to share it with. When I ran out of good times, I was so miserable, I actually wanted to die. That’s when you had your chance, Lord. Seven times I gave you the chance, but no, you wouldn’t let me die."

I nearly tripped going out of my room, realizing I had two of my legs in one pajama leg. I was getting up my courage, like Dorothy before the Wizard.

“Don’t you remember, God? Don’t you remember what happened? I was drinking Johnny Walker and gulping a bunch of pills that night, and speeding in my old Chevy on Route 3A, over the Fore River Bridge. I didn’t care about me or anyone. I just wanted out. I was drunk and high, and in the pit of my own misery. I started banging on that old car radio, the one with the chrome buttons, looking for something, anything, to quiet the noise in my head, until all of the buttons jammed up. Remember, Lord? That was a pretty neat trick you pulled.”

I measured out the coffee and poured the water in the pot. Leaning against the counter, I thought for a moment why I was replaying this. What for? God already knows what happened. Did I need to remind Him? Yes. Damn it. He’s been ignoring me lately. That’s how I felt this morning, that he needed to know I’m still here, and I’m in trouble, and I need His help. I may have not wanted it back then, but I want it now.

“Lord, of course you remember. You arranged the whole thing. You made those radio buttons get stuck so that only one station would come through. It was the voice of the preacher, that slow-talking, southern voice coming through that radio just like he was sitting beside me, telling me the story about Christ and the prostitute, and how the men dragged her to the city because they were going to stone her to death. Christ looked at them and told them something like ‘he that is without sin, let him cast the first stone’. And then he looked at her and told her to sin no more. I was so stunned. The preacher kept saying just like he was talking to me, ‘sin no more’. Christ would forgive me of all my sins because He died on the cross for me, and for all sinners, for everyone. Lord, I have to tell you, I pulled over and sobbed like a baby. I couldn’t stop crying. I had never heard of Christ as a grown man and talking to his disciples, and I had never heard of forgiveness of sins, or eternal life if we believe in Him.

And from that day until now, I haven’t been a drunkard, I haven’t been a prostitute, I haven’t cheated or stolen from anyone or did any of the things I used to. Lord you know that. You know how my life has changed, how I’ve changed. So I ask you, Lord, why? Why do you let this happen to me now?”

I took my coffee and sat in the living room, opened my bible, not really expecting a Charlton Heston moment, but in my simplistic mind, it came astonishingly close. I thought for a while before looking down at the page I had opened and asked the Lord to give me some reasons, some answers to what seem to be a universal question of mankind: why do the righteous suffer? Then I looked down and began to read the commentary to the Book of Job. The first line: “The book of Job wrestles with the age-old question, “If God is just and loving, why does He permit a truly righteous man like Job to suffer intensely?”

For nearly two hours, I read through the entire book of Job. I discovered many truths about life and integrity and humility, and suffering. One of the most important tenets remains that the real foundation of faith is not in God’s blessings He has bestowed upon us, but, rather, in the revelation of God Himself to us. When we pray to Him in humility and honestly, talking to Him from our hearts, He does reveal who He is--Almighty God Himself-- as natural and candid as that preacher did to me. One way He reveals Himself is through His Word, when we spend the time with Him in fellowship, talking to him in prayer, and waiting for His answer.

It is truly miraculous what He revealed about Himself to me today, just because I spoke to Him, alone, in the quiet of the morning, searching for the answers, asking Him honestly why He is allowing my life to take this direction now. I learned that in my heart of confusion, anger, despair, and frustration, the Lord heard my words because I was earnestly seeking Him. I pray that He give me strength to endure the trials and sufferings He has called upon me to undergo.