i was pulling up the blinds and looking out over the pond at two swans, one was struggling a bit in the partly frozen ice to keep up with its mate.
i thought about last year when perhaps it was the very same two who were caught in the sudden northeaster and could not find their way home to the island, or to any shelter along the coast, and there they were in the morning, stuck in frozen drifts of snow, looking toward one another, about twenty feet apart. my sobbing would not end that day. i thought one was dead because i could see the other was dragging itself, literally a few inches every few minutes, and the other wasn't responding, not lifting its head or wing, giving no sign of life at all. i watched for hours, checking on them, drove around to the other side to get a closer look, and there they were, two white mounds like marshmallows on the pond which was covered with huge drifts of wet, heavy snow. two days in frigid temperatures and cloudy days, and still this devoted bird would not give up the fight. the third morning i lifted the blinds, the bright sun's reflective rays were on the snow. i looked for the swans. i saw the tracks, and then i saw one swan. i gasped and sobbed, but then i grabbed my binoculars and focused with trembling hands. the swan had reached its mate, and was covering it with both wings and half its body. i watched for so long, ignoring everything around me while this incredible miracle unfolded. apparently it was able to reach the other probably in the middle of the night, and provided warmth, at least comfort, to its dying mate. it was to me the saddest story i had witnessed of these beloved birds. i went about my day as the sun was brilliantly making its climb above the trees. i knew it would soon be shining directly onto the pond. thick clumps of icy snow that hung on tree limbs were finally dropping to the ground. boxes of snow on car roofs slid down onto the windows and rested on their hoods. i looked out the window at the mound of snow where the swans were. i couldn't understand what i saw at first. there were two sets of tracks and two mounds of white moving toward the shore! i grabbed my jacket, quickly slid into my unlaced boots, and ran down to the pond where i saw, just a few feet away from me, these champions of the winter, the snow beauties who survived the brutality of subzero winds and 8 foot drifts. they thawed out and began their journey of survival together. i was so astonished that the other was not dead. i hung onto their every move, watching and sobbing, and moving closer to them, and they to me. finally, they stretched out their wings, their beautiful, delicate and strong white wings. they leaned their necks back and then forward, and suddenly they lifted themselves off of the snow and flew majestically into the air, gracefully, slowly, around the island and around again, touching down in the middle of the pond. in a few minutes, they flew off again, around the island two or three times, and again touched down. they did this a few times before finally disappearing behind the cove and reappearing a few moments later with several more swans, apparently the rest of their family...i clapped "bravo" and excitedly ran back home.
i thought about your email you sent a few days ago as i was pulling up the blinds, looking at the swans, thinking about the connection between the swans, you, and "me". and then i thought how strange and haunting, how sad that last paragraph of yours sounded to me. what were you referring to? before turning on my computer this morning, i sat on the couch drinking coffee, thinking about it. then i thought about the date you sent it. december. december what. this is only december 5th. why would you want me to know if i remembered a day in early december. the meaning of this day was important. it was 40 years ago. my only clue.
the swans represent undying love, devotion, caring. swans usually mate for life unless the other dies. ah, it came to me. december 2nd. 40 years ago.
happy anniversary. happy friendship. happy life. especially, happy life.
i will write about everything soon, i promise.
life is changing rapidly for me, and because it is changing for me, it is for my family. life now is sad. we have lost the laughing of the day that lingered around supper time and stayed with us until we fell asleep, a peaceful, carefree sleep, so that we could wake up happy. i think we sometimes wish we did not wake up at all. now we are worried and sad, anxious and frightened. and we are angry at God, at doctors, at ourselves, and tragically at each other. we cry. i know we all cry because we are miserable. we hurt because we are broken, and we think we cannot be fixed. we say unkind thoughtless things to each other, and then we expect apologies. things seem convoluted, surreal.
one thing is certain. there is hope. there has to be hope. i know it because there are miracles of God and survivors of Nature and good friends like you and professionals who sincerely help. the waiting is unbearable at times. waiting for answers, waiting for pain to go away, waiting for peace.
waiting for a sustainable peace, inside the mind. does it come to one who must practice meditation, or to one who must earn the right to have a quiet mind? or does it come to one who is humble and undeserving, and simply believes that the Lord will provide?
"they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint."
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