What they don’t tell you is that your mind may suffer more damage than your body.
I did not expect the psychological trauma, one of the delayed effects. I am plagued with intense depression and anxiety, overwhelming feelings of guilt, failure, anger, and profound sadness. Nightmares. Panic. Disturbing, intrusive thoughts. I should have died.
I was telling a friend the other day, “I am always angry or frustrated or crying or so moody no one knows what to do when they're around me. I can't stand being in my own skin. I guess it's a combination of extreme stress and all the physical changes, and pain. Kind of like being hit by a truck and walking away without a scratch, but inside every bone is broken and you're bleeding to death. Everyone says ‘you look great after everything you went through’. Gee, thanks. I feel like my whole anatomy has been chopped up, tossed around and put back together again--- the wrong way.”
What saddens and troubles me so deeply is the effect all of this has on my son. He has a very difficult time accepting that his once vibrant and engaging mother, who was always there for him to offer guidance, is no longer able to listen with the same attentiveness.
I did not expect the psychological trauma, one of the delayed effects. I am plagued with intense depression and anxiety, overwhelming feelings of guilt, failure, anger, and profound sadness. Nightmares. Panic. Disturbing, intrusive thoughts. I should have died.
I was telling a friend the other day, “I am always angry or frustrated or crying or so moody no one knows what to do when they're around me. I can't stand being in my own skin. I guess it's a combination of extreme stress and all the physical changes, and pain. Kind of like being hit by a truck and walking away without a scratch, but inside every bone is broken and you're bleeding to death. Everyone says ‘you look great after everything you went through’. Gee, thanks. I feel like my whole anatomy has been chopped up, tossed around and put back together again--- the wrong way.”
What saddens and troubles me so deeply is the effect all of this has on my son. He has a very difficult time accepting that his once vibrant and engaging mother, who was always there for him to offer guidance, is no longer able to listen with the same attentiveness.
He must feel abandoned. He must be very so very angry at me, and bitter at life. I see in his face that he wants to walk away from this death trap and not look back. He deserves to enjoy himself, to explore his options, and to do whatever he wants to do with his own life. I want him to realize what he has to offer the world, and discover what the world has to offer him. Yet, he continues to stay here with me, to make sure I am taken care of. What a tragedy that he should sacrifice his youth! My heart breaks because he is this good and noble.
If I were to have a choice of any thing that could be changed back to what it once was, it would not be that I have my breasts again, or that I do not have cancer, or that I am not so burdened with the stresses of this miserable life, or that I have my vibrant energy back. None of these things, nothing else that I could ever want, except that the Lord restores the happiness and joy in my son’s eyes, his laughter, his enthusiasm in life, his free spirit, his confidence in himself, and, in time, a guiltless and forgiving heart.
1 comment:
Thanks, mom. You need to know, I can walk away anytime I want. It's my choice to stay here and help you, and help grams, and help you help grams! lol. Mom, I WANT to be here. Just like we could never think of putting grams in a home, I could never think of -not- being there for you. How could I enjoy myself knowing you are at home suffering? I need, I want, and I have to be here for you, for grams, and yes even for Ann. Blood is blood is blood is blood. It's The Lords will for EVERY man to take care of his family. No matter what. Thats not saying I can't move down the street when things are more stable. Or, if we get in to the same complex, that would be perfect! <3
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