THE NOBLE KNIGHT

i told you my life has become irrelevant when i learn of someone else's situation.

you asked about my relationship with gary. after i sent him the valentine letter, he called. we had a wonderful dinner, great conversation, and the following weekend i spent time with him and his daughter. lots of laughs and fun. i missed him so much. we had not seen each other since november.

the next day, he called me and asked if i was home, not driving, he had something to tell me, that he didn't want to tell me but he had to, he didn't want to hurt my feelings or make me upset, that's why he didn't tell me at dinner, but emmy insisted.

and i am thinking, i knew it, i hurt him so badly that he has finally smartened up and found someone else and he was just being polite responding to my attempt to reconcile....his voice cracked, he took a deep breath.

"angel, i have lung cancer. and i am dying. i only have a few months..."

i saw him again, we talked. i read his reports. stage IIIB non-small cell lung cancer, inoperable, metastatic to most of the surrounding lymph nodes, esophagus, liver, abdominal wall. palliative chemotherapy.

he was diagnosed in december.

i am so very powerless; and regretful, guilty, angry at myself for keeping my distance from him because of my own illness, my own insignificant problems that i did not want to share with him. i cannot write about it; i thought it would make for a great romantic tragedy. but it would be an insulting mockery.

i am stricken with such grief and disbelief, i am stunned, shocked. can i lessen his pain, his fears. can i comfort him. there is not enough time to make up for the time i stole from us. no one knows when he'll begin to feel the real effects of the chemo, the cumulative "delayed effects", punch drunk, chemo brain, fatigue, listlessness, confusion; the inability to make decisions about dinner.

he's all alone in that huge house; how will he manage to even climb stairs? he won't want hospice care; he would rather die now than be assisted by a caregiver. bringing soup to him is something he considers an act of pity, not compassion or love. anything he cannot do for himself is the benchmark he has set for his time to "quit". i am trying to encourage him to hang in there with the chemo, see how it goes, but i think to myself, am i doing this out of my own selfishness, like dog owners keeping their suffering pets alive...i don't want him to spend or even share this precious time he has left. live his life as he wants: travel to Europe once again, and linger where he wants to, for as much time as he wants without worrying about someone else’s needs.

and when the time comes, i pray he allows himself to succumb to being pampered, taken care of, soothed, whispered to, nurtured, held, and kissed farewell.

the noble knight is dying.